Spicecore Death Metal Scene Explodes: Mosh Pits Now Smell Like That Scented Candle Store in the Mall

Spicecore Death Metal Scene Explodes: Mosh Pits Now Smell Like That Scented Candle Store in the Mall

In a development that's got headbangers and basic spice girls alike reaching for their lattes, the spicecore hardcore death metal scene is absolutely demolishing the charts. The scene, dubbed "spicecore" by fans who clearly have too much time on their hands, features mosh pits where instead of beer, participants hurl pumpkin spice protein shakes at each other. Concerts are held in abandoned coffee shops or pumpkin patches, with pyrotechnics that shoot actual clove-scented flames. One fan, clad in a spiked leather jacket embroidered with PSL logos, told us, "It's about the music, man. And the pumpkin spice syrup. Mostly the syrup."

Hail the harvest, or get reaped

Bands like Pumpkin Spice Slaughter, once content to growl about flavored apocalypse from the comfort of their childhood bedrooms, have been booted from their basement abodes by fed-up parents tired of the endless riffs and latte stains on the carpet. Now, these outcasts are channeling their rage into a grueling 50-city tour, fighting tooth and nail for year-round pumpkin spice availability. "It started when Mom found my stash of clove-scented black candles and said, 'Enough with the demonic harvest vibes; get a job or get out,'" confessed lead vocalist Grim Latte of Pumpkin Spice Slaughter, his voice still hoarse from last night's set in a converted pumpkin patch.

Critics, however, are divided. Music purists claim spicecore is "diluting the purity of death metal," while seasonal purists argue that pumpkin spice should remain sacred, like Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving.

Now, we over at the Pumpkin Spice Campaign—the tireless warriors against Big Calendar's seasonal oppression—aren't exactly blasting death metal on our playlists. Look, we're more into rock acoustic covers more than listening to the newest Pumpkin Spice Slaughter album we’ll admit. But these metalheads are out there touring coast to coast, fighting for year-round pumpkin spice availability. They're headlining festivals like Spiceageddon and demanding that every gas station slushie machine carry the good stuff 365 days a year. We may not mosh like we did in our twenties, but we support their efforts. United we stand, divided we get stuck with the same old flavors in July.